I Was Shooting My Compound Bow In The Yard The Other Day When My Peaceful, Stress Relieving Pass Time Was Rudely

on 10.25.2000

I have known this Craz character since kindergarten when he stole my sleeping spot, the bastard. Since then we have drank many beers together, and talked about doing many great things… but somehow we never get around to doing all that we talk about. So, when he asked me to write something for Crazyshit, I wasn’t honored at all. Why should I be, I’ve known the piss drunk cock my whole life… but I didn’t hesitate to tell him I would write something. Hey, what are friends for? Besides, this could be one of those things that I regretted not doing 5 or 10 years from now… but then again, this could be something that he regrets right away… probably will be.

So I’ll not beat around the bush with you people. I am a man, and I am damn proud of my manliness. I like the fact that I would rather have a set of wrenches than any stupid piece of jewelry. I like the fact that I drink beer and go fishing hours before many people get out of bed. I like the fact that my truck is a 4X4, and if I really wanted to, I could drive right over top of you stupid little Japanese or German car. I eat like a man, no silly ass tofu burgers here. I smell like a man… yeah, I don’t perspire, I sweat. I shave my face semi-daily. I own 2 cordless drills. I think women are the most beautiful creatures God ever place upon the face of the earth. I am a gun owner, and I believe that guns aren’t the killers.

That’s the problem with the world today. There are too many men out there trying desperately to be touchy feely ass pansies. They are so damn concerned with the feelings of the women they surround themselves with that they forget to be what God intended them to be… MEN!! I am so sick of the lame ass excuses; “I would love to go to the drag races guys, but I was already planning to help my girl bake pies for the company picnic”, or… wait this is even better, “Oh, I would really like to go deer hunting with you guys, but Samantha doesn’t really like stuff”. Well, hell fire… if I wanted Samantha to go I would have invited her peadro… Don’t give me that shit about what your girl likes and what she wants to do. Stand up you spineless piece of shit. YOU ARE A MAN, ACT LIKE IT DICKHEAD.

If you decide to go fishing, you don’t need to ask her if its OK… you need to tell her its OK. Think about it, does she need to ask your permission to go to the mall and buy a new pair of shoes and matching purse? Hell no, she just does it. Then she comes home and says, “LOOK WHAT I GOT AT THE MALL!! AND GUESS WHAT, IT WAS ALL ON SALE… I ONLY SPENT $173.00”. Now, if you would have just got up that morning and gone fishing, you could have used that $173.00 for bait, beer, and dynamite. But no… you had to sleep in because she likes it when you are around the house Saturday mornings. Sure she does dumb ass. If you’re around, you’re not spending money… which means she will later.

Now, don’t get me wrong, not all women are like this, but there is that select few that seem to be concentrated in south California and eastern New York. In fact, I would say that the average population is very understanding about the whole need for manliness. I would even venture to say that it humors a large percent of the female population. That is understandable… I mean in their eyes, how could getting up at 4:00 in the morning to go hunt down dinner be fun? Most of them couldn’t fathom the thought of it, even at the 24-hour grocery store. Hell what am I talking about, most of these pansy ass modern women’s lib men can’t even fathom it.

So I guess what I am trying to say is this. If you are one of these men who throw your underwear away just cause they have a hole in them, or if you would rather bake chicken than grill ribs, there is hope for you. I would suggest that you start off by going out and renting some John Wayne and Sam Elliot movies. Then you should go out and buy a chain saw and a set of mud tires (it doesn’t matter if you live in an apartment and drive a Honda). After that go to your local shooting range and tell them you want to take a course in defensive shooting, even if you don’t own a gun… they will provide one for you usually. Finally, if you haven’t run that girl of yours back to San Diego, try this. Start carrying Tabasco sauce and Jack Daniel’s in your glove box, hang a giant poster of the Blues Brothers in the bedroom, put super glue in the medicine cabinet, drink beer sitting in a lawn chair in the front yard, make yourself a spud gun (hey if you don’t know, I’m not gonna tell you), Watch the Godfather over and over, subscribe to Field and Stream, and invest in a pair of Billy Bob teeth. If that doesn’t run her off, ask her to marry you right away… she’s a keeper son.

So men, act like men for God’s sake! Women, please have patience with us. South Californians and New York City folk, well, I am just wasting my breath… you guys have long since left this site and are probably logged onto Greenpeace or bebe.com finding something you absolutely can’t live without.

This is Litho Johnson signing out.

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