Pappa Chubby Just Loves Canada

on 10.17.2004

I'm Baaaaackkk! Yeah, that's right, I am back from a two-week departure from the Internet. I moved up into the Great Smoky Mountains of east Tennessee, and it has taken me two weeks to find my fucking computer and all of the components. But now that I have found them, it is time for me to indulge in a little stress control.

You see, I had the misfortune last weekend to travel to Canada on business. Sounds fun? Yeah, right. About as much fun as finding out your dentist is going to use a 3/4 inch Black and Decker power drill to do your root canal. First, let me begin by telling you that I usually piss off about 10 or 12 people every time I touch this fucking keyboard, but today is different. Today I am about to piss off an entire country. Yeah, that's right, FUCK YOU CANADA!!!!

What an ignorant bunch of fucking assholes. I mean, hell, you would have to be a fucking dumbass to want to live in a place that experiences winter 10 out of 12 months, right? But the biggest problem with Canada seems to be that it is full of Canadians! Here's an idea, pick a fucking language and stick with it. You dumbshit bastards can't even decide on one fucking language for the piss poor plot of land you refer to as a country.

And riddle me this, you great white nerds from the north, why do you end every fucking sentence that comes out of your mouths with "aye"? I don't get it. Are you asking me a question or is it just some guttural moan that you nimrod bastards have developed through a few hundred years of evolutional inbreeding?

I guess I should start from the beginning. This was my first time traveling out of the greatest country on the planet. I drove to Niagara Falls, NY and promptly crossed over the bridge into the great white wasteland only to discover a shitty little cannuck sitting in a booth at the customs station who immediately started letting me know that he was a dickhead and I must be a criminal. He informed me that I would have to go inside the customs office and leave my vehicle parked in the space in front. I complied with his request and went inside to begin explaining why I had come to this god-forsaken country. I guess the reason they blow you so much shit is because not even they can understand why someone would voluntarily come to Canada.

Anyway, to make a long miserable story short, the bill of sale I was carrying with me had been improperly filled out. Now, yes, if your from here in the good ol' U.S. of A., your probably saying, so what, big deal, but this is Canada, remember. This little typo not only caused the fucksticks to get their Canadian bloomers in a wad, it made them promptly rush me into the back, handcuff me, stuff me into a 3x4 cell, handcuff me to a bench and leave me for the next 3 hours while they interrogated me. They kept accusing me of lying to Canadian customs officials, which according to the paper they showed me, is punishable by a mandatory 15,000.00 dollars and 36 months in a Canadian jail. It took the dumbshit cocksuckers 3 fucking hours to pick up a damn telephone and make one little call that cleared the whole matter up. After that, it was just a matter of them taking their sweet ass time filling out paperwork in order to release me.

Oh, but my adventure just starts. Once you get into the Canadian shithole, you must navigate through this eternal maze of highways that never once lend any suggestion as to where the fuck you are headed. Everything is QEWthis or QEWthat, QEW being Queen Elizabeth's Way. The entire country is dedicated to paying homage to fat, stiff lipped, limey bitch who lives in a castle 5000 miles away. They even carry her fucking picture on their currency. What a bunch of dickheads you cannucks are.

Anyway, after completing my business in your shitty little country, I headed back into the great U.S. of A., only to have to suffer an indignity far greater than being placed in handcuffs by some fucking cannuck. I crossed the bridge into the U.S. at Detroit, Michigan. Once there I had to declare the cash I was carrying. I was told to pull over and go inside to fill out some papers. I once again did as I had been instructed. Although this time, my ass was already puckered up. But on the brighter side, I figured if it all went to hell, I would at least be in an American jail. But I didn't have any problems getting back in, well, not after I stood and let some fucking dune coon, sand nigger, camel jockey named Hadji blow me 20 minutes of random shit about why I was bringing back so much cash into this country. Yeah, that's right, here I am, an American Citizen, standing on American soil, being blown shit from a fucking 7-11 cashier with a badge and a gun.

Keep in mind that I could only understand about half of what the fucker was saying because he had yet to master the English language. You want to talk about pissed off! This fucker is probably related to 3 or 4 of the assholes that flew into the Trade Center, and I am having to stand there and listen to him tell me his views of the world.

Now folks, don't get me wrong, I'm not a prejudice man. I have friends of every color, and several different nationalities, but for the life of me, I can't bring myself to stop hating dune coons. They come to our country and buy up every hotel and convenience store they can get their hands on, and bring over all of their relatives to live with them. These same relatives wind up working at places like, oh, I don't know, let's say, CUSTOMS!!!!

So on behalf of everyone who has ever been harassed at customs, or has ever tried to navigate the fucked up Canadian roadways, I would just like to say, FUCK YOU CANADA, and a special FUCK YOU goes out to the blond haired cannuck in Niagara Falls, and a major FUCK YOU goes out to Hadji the dickhead from Detriot. You can rest assured that if I never make it back to Canada in this lifetime, I will die happy.That's my, "God Bless the U.S.A." opinion, it oughtta be yours!

P.S. The views expressed in anything I write do NOT necessarily represent the views of anyone other than myself, or anyone affiliated with this website. So if I just pissed you off with this article, please forward all your hate mail to me poppachubby@crazyshit.com promptly use them to wipe my ass with. Now, go fuck OFF!

Henry M., henrym@crazyshit.com
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