My First Vacation In 5 Years!

on 12.05.2005

Here's my little story of my first vacation in 5 years. Sure, I have gone to the occasional porn conventions, and had the extended weekends. But never gone for more that a few days at a time. Well this time, I got away for almost a whole week. And sure as shit, I leave, and some knuckleheads start tearing up the forums. But that's why we got Jesse and Scott, to wield the heavy, but ominous ban hammer. Now back to the vacation, you are probably asking where in the hell did you go? Well kids, I went to Flagstaff, AZ because, being from South Florida, I just had to see snow for the first time in my life, so I can say I never want to see it again. Here's the recap of the trip over the Thanksgiving weekend.

Leaving from West Palm to Atlanta was a great flight. Nice and fast, and some really cool dude from Kentucky was sitting next to me. We talked about barbecuing, and cock fighting (don't ask). Then on my 2-hour lay over in Atlanta, I started downing beers. At about beer 6, the flight was getting ready to leave. I hope on the plane, and it's me and some chic in the 3-person row. Sweet! We've got it made, we can stretch out and sleep for the 3 and a half hour flight without being crowded.

WRONG! At about 45 minutes into it, I am sound asleep, some little asshole starts playing paddy-cake with the tray table that's attached to my seat. Ughh! Little fucker, I was going to beat his ass, his mother's ass, and hopefully his father's just on general principal. Well, needless to say, the only turbulence I encountered was this little shit, for the WHOLE FUCKING TIME!

After getting to Phoenix, and seeing a near and dear friend, we make start our drive back to Flagstaff, about 2 hours. Flagstaff is a kind of weird place, it's in Arizona and all, but it's in the fucking mountains, and it's cold as hell there. I mean, fuck that shit, I hate the cold, so the whole time, all I could say was I hate the fucking cold!

On Thursday night we all go out, and get smashed. Actually, it's my gracious host, Jessica and all her friends. She's the only one I know there. So as we are getting drunk, it's a pretty good night, just a lot of drinking, nothing to bad. At the end of the night, Jess is pretty drunk, and I volunteer to drive home. All be it, I have no fucking idea where we are going. So as we are tooling down the road, the road kind of splits to the left and straight. As we continue straight, Jess screams "Where the fuck are you going? I told you to take a left! Stop the car right now! Stop the car right now!" Meanwhile I am thinking, what the hell, you didn't say shit. So I stop the car, and she gets out. Yelling her fool head off, "Get out of the car!!!". As she is yelling, I say "Get your ass back in the car." She looks at me like I'm crazy, and says "OK". That was Thursday night.

For the whole time, I don't k now why, but I had the worst gas ever. Sure for me it's funny, but when it brings tears to the eyes of dogs, you know it's bad. I spent more time in the bathroom than visiting with Jess. I swear I must have gone through twenty rolls of TP. Talk about monkey butt. I swear it must have been the altitude.

Ok, now fast forward to Saturday night. Jess wants to say home, but her friend Chris says we'll go out. Now to keep from boring you, I'm going to hit the high points of the evening. Starting out with me and Chris polishing off a 5th of Jager for Thanksgiving dinner (we had it on Saturday). And ten beers for me before we left the house.

Next to Flagstaff's only strip club. And boy O boy is it a doozie! Talk about a one-horse town! The DJ put up with me as I was hanging out in the DJ booth. He must have been too polite to tell me to get my drunk ass outta there. From there we ending up in some bar, where I was asked to leave. But fuck that, we were trying to hook up, so I magically appeared back in the bar, where the bouncer couldn't figure out how in the hell I got back in, and then kicked me out again.

Then came the punk rock show. Well, at least that's what I remember it was. It was really bad punk rock if it was even punk rock. Anywho, so I was feeling the feeling to do some damage. I was going to get in the pit…if that's what they had going on. Well, it was more like a couple kids just kicking in the air and twirling around. Now you got to imagine me, in a nice three-button shirt, leather coat, and nice dress shoes. I take off my necklaces, watch and coat and hope in there. As I'm doing the cherry picker and other mosh pit moves NOT A ONE PERSON FUCKING COMES NEAR ME. Then I believe that after I caught my breath, I called them all pussies! And then it was back to the bars.

Hours later, hours hours later. We decided to go to just one more bar. All I remember is we went to get into the car, the cops where close by, then we took a taxi. Next thing you know it's like 3:30 am, it's snowing, and I have no clue where we are, but we are "Walking" somewhere. After a good mile I decide to call Jess and wake her ass up to come get us. Here's the gist of the conversation: "Jess, we are lost, we are in the middle of the desert, and I'm FUCKING FREEZING! Come get me before I freeze!" A couple minutes later, she shows up like an angel. Ahh what a night.

The rest of the time was just basically some down time, nothing really special. It was really good seeing my near and dear friend. She was so gracious to put up with me and my man funk. I mean, she had to scrub her whole house down to get the fecal particles that my ass kept on spewing into the air in her apartment.

And on that note, I'm spent.

Jay D., jay@crazyshit.com
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