I Almost Got Another DUI

on 04.04.2006

Last Saturday night, I almost got a DUI. When I say almost, I think that's an understatement. Because there are three factors that are involved in this equation. One, I had been drinking. Two, I had a gun in my truck. Three, the cops had a hard-on for me.

Let's start with number one: We were at Jesse's sisters wedding just about all night. But here's the most important part. They had like rot-gut booze. I actually think the name of the whiskey I was drinking was Hard Times. Well needless to say, I might have only had like 10 drinks, and I don't think I ever finished a whole one. After the wedding I got a 20 pack of bud light, and went to Jesse's parent's house. Had a few beers there. Then we decide to go to a bar.

The bar must be at least 4 miles from the house. That's it, and down a major road too. So I decided to haul ass all the way there. As I'm turning to pull into the parking lot the freaking cops pull me over.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"Yes, officer, I was speeding."
"Have you had anything to drink?"
"Yes sir, about 8 drinks" (hey, a little lie never hurt anybody. It's better than saying I only had a few.)

Blah blah blah, he then asks if there's anything he should know or some shit. I'm like yes, there's a gun in the truck. Holy fucking ape shit. He pisses himself right then and there. You see in Florida it is legal to carry a gun in your vehicle. Without a permit. But most people don't know this, and I think not too many law enforcement do ether. This is where he gets the hard-on for me. See he's pissed that I have a very good friend that's a cop, and let's me in on the big secrets.

Ok, here's where I am going to tie up all the lose ends and bring this one home. Now, they have my other two passengers out of the truck. The bride has walked over from the bar, Jesse is there, and they have a special DUI officer there. It's test time.

The original officer first gave me the walk 9 steps , turn around, and walk nine steps back. I did that no problemo. That's when he called the DUI officer. Now, I don't remember the order of tests, but we did the 9 steps, the abc's (without singing them) with your eye's closed and head back. Touch your nose when he tells you which arm to use. Follow the pen, during which, I lost a contact, fuck me, I hate that. Stand on one foot and count by thousands. As I was doing this one, I hit about 20,000 and touched down. As per instructions, I had to begin at 1,000 again. I aced all these, and I am thinking I didn't include all of them in there. I think they might have started making things up at one point in the night.

As all this is going on, Jesse's sister is talking to the cops. And we have a decent size crowd. Now I'm basically being told that I am going to jail tonight. So I get some money out, and kinda get myself ready for this. Blah blah blah, and hour it seems goes by. They have some great fucking news; I'm not going to jail. The DUI officer tells me "I'm an Olympic Hopeful" Thanks, I guess. They then give me two tickets. One for running a traffic light, and another for no tag lights. As to say, hey, we couldn't give you a DUI, but we sure as shit can give you the door prize for coming out. Pfft!

Needless to say, I got drove to the bar for one beer and called it a fucking night. And yes, I did have someone drive me home, are you kidding, I only had one contact!

Rember, don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Jay D., jay@crazyshit.com
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