Beware The Wrath Of Barry

on 06.06.2007

Beware the Wrath of Barry

A perfectly good weekend almost spoiled by a tropical storm with a name that strikes up images of some 80’s after school movie about a date rapist. We get off work around 5 and start moving on down to the famed spring break city of Fort Lauderdale. Mind you, it hadn’t rained for weeks beforehand. In fact there was such a bad drought that part of what is usually the bottom of Lake Okeechobee caught on fire. So of course the one weekend we actually plan to do something we are visited by the hurricane version of your local car salesman. By this time I knew we were in for a doozy. So I got my raincoat and drinking hat on plunged headlong through highway of watery death to reach my pleasantly soaked vacation spot.

Now if you have never had the pleasure of driving through a nice spring Florida storm then you haven’t experienced near death. Imagine sitting in your shower and trying to look out of your crusty ass shower curtain while traveling 65mph and you get a good idea of what it is like. You know the rain is coming down hard when you put the windshield wipers on full blast and they are drowned out by the sound of the rain. Every time I see the flash of red brake lights fill my windshield I wonder if this will be the last moment before I’m stuck on the side of the road next to some asshole that rides the brakes too hard. Eventually I made off the highway thanks to my girlfriend who dutifully pointed out our exit. Which was a good thing seeing as how I stopped paying attention to the road signs a couple of miles beforehand. For some reason whenever I drive long distance I zone out and stop paying attention to where I am going. It’s a great habit if you wanna have your body dumped in a river after running out of gas in some Podunk town.

Upon arrival I was greeted with a bridge closing which I thought was due to the storm. So I thought to myself “Great! We got here just in time for them to stop letting people over the intercoastal which is exactly where I needed to go to get to the beach and my hotel.” Of course it was just some car accident that caused the one bridge I decided to use to close. After I found another way around I pulled into the hotel and looked for a place to park. If you’ve ever tried to park near the beach on Ft. Lauderdale you’ll know it’s like trying to find pussy in a bar full of nuns. So instead of looking around for a spot to be towed from I decide to use the valet who promptly asks me if I am “Parking lot Pimpin” or staying at the hotel. Now this is the point in my life where I realized that I am on my way to being an old and senile because I had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

Apparently, parking lot pimpin is the name of a rap song that I am unfamiliar with. The question nearly froze me in my tracks and made me wonder whether or not it was time to hang up my coolness hat. I asked the valet to explain to me what the hell “Parking Lot Pimpin” was and he looked at ME like I was crazy. Finally after much heated debate and a 20$ overnight parking fee we came to an agreement what to do with my car. Now that I had made it safely to the hotel I counted my blessings and started to imbibe my penance.

From there I met up with Jay and Dave to begin my debauchery filled weekend.

The whole week I had been looking forward to a nice meal at the local 24 hour taco shack named Ernesto’s. Oddly enough it was closed for good so we were forced to get pizza. After eating the nastiness that is Papa Johns and having a few more beers my girlfriend and I decided to go to sleep in the hotel room. Then at the crack of 5 in the morning I am awakened by schoolgirl-like giggling and the sound of “Mary had a little lamb” played over a cell phone. You see Jay and Dave thought it would be a good time to play a little game of cell phone feedback while I tried to sleep. Between that and Jay’s snoring I got just enough sleep not to feel like smothering him in his sleep.

We woke up the next day and started drinking around 10 o’clock in the morning. We woke up just in time to miss the free breakfast so we opted for a beer and cigarette omelet. A short while later there was a nice jello wrestling contest where some guys we met earlier in the day decided to join in and see if they could cop a feel. What these kids didn’t know is that the jello wasn’t actually jello at all. It was this silicone shit with food coloring in it that spreads like wildfire whenever you put water on it. So they realized licking all the jello off half naked girls isn’t nearly as fun when it tastes like shit. After lunch came a mid-afternoon game of beer pong. Jay and Dave valiantly played one whole game of which they came out the definite losers. Jay and Dave managed to knock out all but one cup of their opponents. Then watched helplessly as their last cup was eliminated from the table. Once again clutching defeat from the hands of victory.

After an entire day of drinking and eating I decided there was enough fun had for this weekend. I left while Jay stayed just long enough to get sick and throw up in the parking lot. There’s something about drinking and eating all day in the hot sun that makes you wanna purge the contents of your stomach in the nearest location available. Oh yah and if you are wondering the sink is not an appropriate place. Especially if it’s next to a toilet you asshole! I hate it when people do that. Hopefully next time we plan a weekend it won’t be foiled by storms named after someone’s step-dad followed by soul crushing humidity that makes you feel like you’ve entered the second stage of menopause. Either that or next time before we go on a trip I’ll just stand in my shower with all my clothes on, then go straight to my car, get in, crank the heater up to full blast and start drinking. That would be a damn good virtual simulation of my whole weekend.

Greg J., gregj@crazyshit.com
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