Travis The Monkey Goes Apeshit

on 02.19.2009

Never has a monkey cause so much trouble as a poor little fella name Travis the monkey. I am sure some other monkeys kicked ass but they sure as hell weren‘t named Travis and probably weren‘t 200 pounds. On top of that the motherfucker was "toilet trained, dressed himself, took his own bath, ate at the table and drank wine from a stemmed glass" according to the owner.

At this point I am not sure what my mind has made up and what is true in this story because it‘s all fucking weird. The story of Travis the monkey starts with a wild animal that was raised like a human child. This monkey became famous after doing an Old Navy commercial and a Coca Cola ad among other things. The spotlight gave him enough fans to have the owner receive death threats for telling the police to shoot the monkey after it went bananas(sorry I couldn‘t resist).

The monkey, or domesticated chimpanzee to be scatologically correct, was doing what normal 200 pound chimps do and drinking some relaxing tea laced mixed with xanax and hanging out with his human owner named Sandra Herold when somehow he managed to escape(the Xanax part might have been made up by someone other than me but it‘s still too funny to leave out).

The owner goes next door to find the escaped animal and the neighbor, Charla Nash, who had just arrived from the hair stylist decided to get out of her car.

Bad Move....

Now I know what you are probably thinking. A chimpanzee isn‘t all that strong is it?

There isn‘t much hard scientific data because most chimps like eating bananas and drinking xanax tea, but in 1924 before all the pesky animal cruelty laws the Bronx Zoo set up some shit called a Dynamometer. A Dynamometer measures the amount mechanical force of pull on a spring. To give you an idea of the range of human strength a 165 pound human can pull around 210 pounds with one arm. A 135 pound monkey named "Suzette" registered in around 1,260 pounds. That‘s right. A 135 pound chimpanzee female can pretty much bench press a Honda Civic.

Did I mention this male monkey weighed 200 pounds?

Back to the incident at hand. The chimp managed to escape as it had done several times before and the the neighbor had a brand new haircut which had the wonderful effect of scaring the crap out of Travis and making him think the neighbor Charla should have hear face and hands torn up so bad that Stamford Mayor Dannel Malloy described the the injuries as "life-changing, if not life-threatening".

During the whole clawing the crap out of the neighbors face incident the Sandra "retrieved a large butcher knife and stabbed her longtime pet numerous times in an effort to save her friend, who was really being brutally attacked," After that she went decided to upgrade her arsenal and beat the monkey with a shovel which probably did nothing more than piss off an animal that could easily beat the ever loving shit out of several grown ass men.

After making turning the neighbor lady‘s face into ground meat Travis ran back to the owner‘s house for refuge. Meanwhile paramedics and police show up to handle the situation. After police set up a security perimeter around the hamburger faced neighbor for the paramedics Travis the 200 pound crazy monkey returned.

The cops bravely ran the fuck back to their cruisers and once the monkey tried to open the doors, which he was trained to do the cops shot him to death with bullets. One theory says Travis was accustomed to riding around in cars and knew how to open the doors. He just wanted to go for a ride that the police wanted no part in considering the injuries to the neighbor.

Just imagine that image....

"Hey man it‘s me Travis, the 200 pound chimp. Did I mention that I could probably rip one of your arms clean off in less than a minute if I really tried hard. Let me in the car so we can go for a drive!"

In this instance any sane person would say "sure monkey get in the car!", put the car in drive, and combat roll out of that bitch at the their nearest convenience. Which is mainly dependent upon whether or not the car can Ghost Ride enough distance to allow you to run to safety before you make a surprise appearance in "Congo 2: The Wrath of Travis".

Chimpanzees are wild animals and even though they are cute in Old Navy commercials raising them in a regular domesticated environment is asking for the kind of trouble that involves having an animal with the mind of a frat boy who can bench-press your refrigerator realizing he is never gonna get any pussy. Yah that bad.

There is one weird detail though that may explain why he was so protective of the owner. Some neighbors say even though there was no monkey pussy around the owner was more than willing to treat Travis exactly like her deceased husband and that includes, but not limited to activities such as eating meals at the table, "sleeping" together, and even bathing together. Basically the neighbors were convinced the owner lady was fucking the chimp.

The worst part about this whole story is you can‘t even send the monkey into the wild again because the other wild monkey‘s aren‘t having any part of that shit. Sending a domesticated monkey back to the wild is a death sentence.

So next time you see a cute monkey on a soda pop commercial or hanging out with that one white lady who‘s face is falling off and sang "Beat it" remember that animal, call him Travis, will one day go fucking nuts realizing he isn‘t in the wild with all that free monkey pussy.

Greg J., gregj@crazyshit.com
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Comments From the Peanut Gallery
first bitches
posted on: 02-19-09 @ 10:17 PM

One of the most well written funny ass articles!!! A full grown chimp can be as strong as a 600 pound man!!! Dont fuck with the chimps!!!
posted on: 02-20-09 @ 2:00 AM

that dumbass lady was givin it xanny's....wtf...then calls her friend to help and he brings a knife and stabs it...i dont like being stabbed either....so the monkey goes all crazy and runs to a cop car that was there...rips the handle off the car cuz he was tryin to get away from the idiot with the knife...cop dosent know that so it shot the monkey....having nowhere else, the monkey fled back to it cage and bled to death...fuck that lady, and her "friend"...cops shoulda shot her for givin him pills and the dude for helpin her ass...hope that monkey grabbed a fat patch of hair and an eyeball off that bitch...
posted on: 02-20-09 @ 12:22 PM