The Watchmen Movie Review: Fear Of A Blue Penis
Unless you are living on another planet you have probably been beaten to death with Watchmen marketing crap for the past few months. You would have thought it was the first movie ever with the way the it was incessantly advertised, but I am pretty sure there have been a few films released before it‘s time. The film is based on a graphic novel that tells the story of a bunch of non-super, as in they don‘t have actual superpowers, superheroes and one glowing blue dude named Dr. Manhattan who can travel through time, blow people up by pointing at them, and wears no pants. When I say he is wearing no pants I mean (spoiler alert!) you see a animated blue penis about halfway through the movie.
I could tell when the penis showed up because my girlfriend would start hysterically laughing at the screen in the not so filled matinee theatre. I’m just gonna say she was laughing because my penis was so much bigger than the glowing blue man’s. Of course the blue dude in the movie had the ability to make himself grow to giant size but an enlarging blue penis would have been the point which the MPAA rating people shit their collective pants and give the film an NC-17.
The movie begins with a mystery man killing The Comedian, a sociopathic ex-member of the Watchmen superheroes. The rest of the movie is spent putting the pieces together and trying to figure out who is hunting down super heroes.. So it‘s kinda like a murder mystery with superheroes. It is set in a alternate Nixonian future where the communists and the US are on the brink of nuclear war. Nixon has been elected for a third term after victory in Vietnam with the help of Dr. Manhattan in the form of him turning Asian dudes into Beef Lo Mein. After blue dude helped win this war the people around the world came to a startling realization.
A guy who prefers to wear no pants made planet Earth his bitch.
That‘s right. Dr. Manhattan, or to be more specific "Blue Penis Man", is the only one with any type of actual superpowers, besides being able to move fast and kick major ass, in the movie. The powers came from some kind of accident in a place filled with labcoat type people that made him able to travel to any place in the universe instantaneously and disassemble peoples bodies with the point of a finger. By disassemble I mean blow them into bite size pieces and leave nothing but a puddle of flesh and blood on the ground. I like to think of it as a chicken mcnugget ray but instead of BBQ sauce everywhere it is blood. After Professor Blue Wang showed the Earth that fucking with him means death by dismemberment, people got a little disconcerted and decided to tell the superheroes to keep their crazy asses at home.
This is about the moment that the movie begins and the superheroes slowly come back from their banishment to save the world before it is too late… Or to fuck like rabbits and continue their generally sociopathic behavior.
The movie is painfully relevant to the the current time period. All types of parallels can be drawn between the recent conservative government and the ultra-Nixonian environment shown in the movie. The main parallel is that the world is run by a man who wears no pants. Call it an "Emperor wears no clothes" parable, but instead of a stupid guy who was fooled into thinking he was wearing invisible clothes it is a dude who got zapped with electrical nuclear type shit at age 30 and wound up becoming some kind of all powerful human being that prefers not wearing pants.
It is a lot of movie so if you go so I suggest you bring a drink and prepare to sit for about 3 hours. Also, make sure you get there for the beginning of the movie or else you are gonna be fucking clueless for the first 45 minutes. You will still be clueless if you see the beginning but at least you will know what to be clueless about. If there is any complaint the action scenes were too far apart, but you get to see the one chick with the yellow suit‘s tits so it kinda makes up for all the blue wang and lack of fighting.
Go to see this movie if you would like to see a true representation of a classic graphic novel. Do not go see this movie if you have ever had any nightmares about giant blue men who prefer to not wear pants.
Afterall, In the land of no pants the man with the blue penis is king.