on April 25th, 2011

- There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
- I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
- I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
- I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
- A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.'
- Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
- I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
- The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
- If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
- I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
- I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
- Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
- That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have Schiffer Brains.
- No one ever says 'It's only a game!' when their team is winning.
- Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
- How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
- Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
- Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
- Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
- Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
- Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!

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