► 15 ABSURD SEX ACTS

#1 Mexican Pancake. This is a rather tame and doable gross sex act for some, and as Urban Dictionary defines it, a Mexican Pancake is when a man cums on a woman’s face, lets it dry like a mask, and then peels it off and feeds it to her. [Read: Unbelievable sex: 20 sexual fetishes bordering on crazy]

“I made my girl some Mexican Pancake this morning and she loved it!”

#2 Lion King. If you want to go tribal and ritualistic with your girl, you can do the Lion King. This is when you have sex with your girl, pull out your dick before you ejaculate, and jack off with your own hand. Then, have your girl kneel in front of you and with your thumb, smear your sperm across her forehead and christen her as “Simba.”

“If you want a girl to laugh in the bedroom, you should try doing the Lion King on her. It worked on me. She stopped dating me afterwards though.”

#3 Sour Apple Smoothie. This is when you eat out a girl infected with syphilis, and she queefs *read: vagina fart*, causing green liquid or pus to ooze out of her vagina and into your mouth. And because this is extremely sickening, you’ll vomit all over her vagina, but still continue to eat her out— pus, vomit, and all. [Read: Is queefing normal? All the untold details]

“I ate out this girl and she had syphilis so I ended up getting a Sour Apple Smoothie.”

#4 Wolfbagging. This is a rather elaborate act in which one person eats a piece of raw bacon with a string still attached to it. Then, the string hangs out of the mouth of the person who will be the anal recipient.

As the anal sex starts to get steamy, the anal giver yanks the piece of string, causing the receiver to vomit up the piece of bacon. As the receiver vomits, the muscles of their anus tightly clench, giving exquisite sensations to the dick of the anal giver.

“My partner loves to eat raw bacon so we decided to try out Wolfbagging, and it was the best feeling ever!”

#5 Alligator Fuckhouse. This act requires some agility and strength, as you would need if you were going to grapple with an alligator. This very daring and physical maneuver requires you stop in the middle of your intercourse, then one person bites the neck of their partner, locks their arms and legs down, and goes into a death roll on the bed or on the floor, all the while maintaining the penetration.

“What’s that scar on your neck?”

“Oh, this? My husband and I tried out this Alligator Fuckhouse, and I came so hard! We’re going to do it again!”

#6 Cleveland Accordion. This is best done when your woman is caught in the throes of passion and is utterly oblivious to what you’re about to do. You kneel over your woman who is lying down on her back. You beat off on your own, quietly shitting on her knees. Then, you come all over her face and suddenly slam her knees and face together like an accordion. [Read: 11 most common fetishes, plus 5 super weird ones]

“I told her we’re going to try something different and I gave her a Cleveland Accordion. She didn’t know what hit her and it was hilarious!”

#7 Charizard. If you are having sex with a girl with an unbelievable amount of pubic hair, then you give her a Charizard. This is when you light her pubes on fire as you are about to come. And then you put out some of the fire with your cum, then run out of the room screaming, “You don’t have enough badges to train me!”

“Her pubes were so thick I definitely had to do the Charizard on her.”

#8 Space Dock Fondue. There’s nothing more indulgent and refined as fondue… NOT. At least when you do the Space Dock Fondue. This is generally reserved for parties, in which one girl is the “fondue pot.” One male with watery diarrhea *should have taken a laxative* shits into the woman’s vagina, crating the Space Dock Fondue Pot.

Then, each guy in the party takes turns dipping his pole into the fondue pot, covering their dicks with feces. Then, each of the guys’ partners should lick the shit-encrusted dicks like a choco-coated banana.

“Man, I thought the party was going to suck until one guy suggested to have a Space Dock Fondue. It was a blast!”

#9 Alabama Hot Pocket. This is “the art” of separating the lips of the vagina *the labia, FYI* and taking a shit inside. Whether or not, you’re going to have sex with it afterwards is up to you.

“I thought he was going to use some lube but then he ended up making an Alabama Hot Pocket.”

#10 Alabama Tuna Melt. This is another variation of the Alabama Hot Pocket. To do it, you need to have sex with a girl on her period. You take a dump into her vagina, then perform oral sex on her until she ejaculates a mixture of cum, menstrual blood, and your feces onto your face. You then have her lick it off your face for some flourish. [Read: Top 50 kinky ideas for a sexy relationship]

“She said she’s into freaky, kinky stuff, and I didn’t know just how much, that is, until she made me make her an Alabama Tuna Melt.”

#11 Cleveland Apple Picking. If you have anal sex and you end up with a piece of fecal matter stuck in your dick, then you may be unknowingly doing the Cleveland Apple Picking. Here, some piece of feces from your partner get trapped inside your penis hole, causing its head to turn as red as an apple.

“So I was going to pull out and when I did, I got some Cleveland Apple Picking. My head was so red I thought it was going to burst!”

#12 Cleveland Hot Waffle. *Really, it’s more fun when you put Cleveland on anything.* This is simply the “art” of shitting on your woman’s chest and then smacking your huge pile of shit with a tennis racket, creating a hot waffle.

“So I went and gave her a Cleveland Hot Waffle. That shut her up for good.”

#13 Eskimo Trebuchet. This is one of those gross sex acts done when you put your dick between your legs and your girl sucks on it from behind, with her nose in your asshole. Then, you suddenly give out a very smelly fart, causing her to throw up on your dick. At this point, you suddenly turn around and open your legs, slinging her vomit back into her face.

“Gee, I don’t think you’d want to hug me right now. My man just gave me an Eskimo Trebuchet, and I still feel icky.”

#14 Munging. This is the most extreme of extremely disgusting, gross sex acts. According to Urban Dictionary, this involves going to a graveyard with four of your friends. There must be four of you because you dig up a fresh female corpse to gang bang. One of you puts his mouth over her vagina while the other jumps on the corpse’s stomach, shooting maggots and rotting innards into the other person’s mouth, who then swallows it. *We strongly advise you to not even think of trying this… ever! But seriously, who even comes up with this shit?!* [Read: People having sex with animals? Yes, it’s a thing]

“It sure was fun munging on that hot corpse last night, but I sure had a bad tummy ache afterwards.”

#15 Flying Camel. This is done as you are on your knees and penetrating your girl, who is lying on her back. You then move forward and prop yourself on your dick while still inserted in her vagina. You should not be using your arms, because you should be flapping them out while shrieking like a real flying camel.

“I’m so in love with my girl because she’s just down with me doing the Flying Camel.”

Cory H.